I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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