I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
