I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
they need to just BURY HIM!
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
