I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
