Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
