i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
