I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
