I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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