He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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