I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
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