my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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