There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
