we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
