Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I wish you could order shots online.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
