Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
