I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
