so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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