We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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