The police scanner is talking about you again....
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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