so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
