When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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