Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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