I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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