Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
either way he was missing a nipple.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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