I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
