dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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