Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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