I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
