You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
