Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
