his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
