Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
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