eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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