The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Randomize
