uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
