I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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