I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
