I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
