I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
time to smoke my breakfast
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Randomize
