You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize