she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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