There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
then he tried to convert me to islam
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
They are going to name an STD after you.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize