A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize