Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
