When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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