haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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