i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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