3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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