You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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