He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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