My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
