I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
