im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize