I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
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