She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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